last Thursday, i had my Sociology and Anthropology marathon quiz. the lecturer did explain the instruction about it but i can't hear her very well. well i was not really focusing actually. yea thats what will happen when you study last minute and still trying to memorize even it's already time to start the quiz. ngeh. and so what i understood was that we will be having 2 hours quiz on that day, and for the last 15-minutes, we can refer to the book. memang best gilak lah kan. and for next week, we will have another one hour quiz. so i proceed with answering. few minutes later, i heard lecturer answering one student's question. she said 'yes, write your final answer in pen'. thus i followed that instruction. answering almost 15 x 5 plus 5 x 5 which isss
where is the phone. searching for calculator...
oh ya, 100 questions! and there are about 35 questions that i circled cause im thinking of checking them in the book for the last 15 minutes. thanks to Allah, i got some misunderstanding in one question and i recheck about the last 15 minutes open book to the lecturer, asking her is it true.
'oh no Farah, that is for another one hour, next week'
my god! ye ke? so i rushed answering the 'in about 35 ques' left. and yemmy there were a buuundleee of questions which i actually acknowledge but i forgot the term and some of the ques confused me. i can totally find the answer in a spur of time if i can open the book cause i really know them! i just forgot the term. argh. and there you go, i finished answering almost all of them, using pen. i was quite anxious when some of the students asking lecturer if they can go back early and postpone the duration for the next quiz. really anxious actually, but i just put it aside, does not really matter in this critical minutes
me, Syahiirah and Halim were the last persons to leave the class. Syahiirah checked in the book whether her answer is right or wrong and asked me what did i answer for this que this que. suddenly, a voice being heard
'wey yang korang nak risau2 ni asal, next week kan ada lagi one hour'
and my inner self feedback sounds like
'la, next week kan quiz lain pula. oh maybe she means nxt week buat betul2 la so blh cover yg ni. ok i get it'
hence, walking happily with Amrah, did our consultation for speaking test with English lecturer, done our prayer and finally bought foods for dinner.
wow, nasi lemak pandan. green in colour. sniff sniff. smells goooood
'jom Amrah, beli nasi hijau ni'
'eh Nini, beli ni juga' my question to one of my classmate while dipping the rice and choosing side dishes.
'yup. eh td lambatnya korang keluar. kau jawab semua eh?'
'aah. asal? boleh ke -tak jawab- semua?'
'laa next week kan jwb booklet yg sama'
'la, kau tak tahu ke. kita sebenarnya ada 3 jam. tadi 2 jam je. so, next week sambung lagi satu jam. and last 15 minutes boleh refer buku. kau jawab guna pen ke tadi? semua?'
'ha laah. maknanya boleh tukar lah next week jwpn2 aku tu?'
'haa tak boleh lah. sebab madam akan tanda hari ni. kiranya kalau kau dah guna pen, itu final answer kau, and madam akan tanda semua tu, kau tak boleh tukar dah. unless kau guna pensel or tinggal tempat kosong, itu consider kau x jawab lagi la'
my heart beat faster. i felt like being punched in the gut. i felt so low, i felt so frustrated i felt so dumb so idiot so bangang so and so on lah. ya Allah.. with watery eyes, i just end the conversation there. i turned to Amrah. we both have paid for the nasi hijau, i walked away from the kiosk, directing back to mahallah from this boys mahallah. my face was closed with books that im holding. i cant stand this any longer
tears rolled down on my cheek
dropped, and keep on droping..
i cant stop this im sorry! Amrah was all shocked, asking me what happened and tried to coax me.
im sorry i could not handle these tears. there is no hope left. everyone is going to get full marks and im not one of them while actually i can be one of them. if only i hear the instructions well, if only! if only i asked madam the instruction again, if only! this is like a free-marks and i did not get it because of my foolish-carelessness! and its Soca. subject that i aimed to score for next quizzes or exam. subject where many unfavorable things happened to my results.
on the first quiz, i aimed to get 8 out of 10 because there was only 1 question that i did not know. but i got 6 over 10. the first question wants me to define sociology TECHNICALLY but i defined it LITERALLY. bcs i did not know the differences before! while i actually have memorized both of them. ah.
for exam, Alhamdulillah the result was okay but it was the lowest mark among any other subjects that i have answered.
for the group assignment, one of our group members did not accomplish to complete her part so we were given sanction for one day late submission. Alhamdulillah, from 2 marks that were going to be deducted, lecturer changed her mind being kind-hearted reducing it to only 1. and Alhamdulillah, the mark is okay but still, there were always something happened that make the marks falled dowwnnn.
and now, this.
this is totally my fault. there is no other solution for this. thats it Farah. nothing can be done to fix this. its.hopeless.
i called Ibu. i cried on the phone. Ibu is the one who i will turned to when im down. it has always been her. eeeverytime. after Allah of course. but that day, it just didn't work. i still felt the same way
Amrah has gone to the dorm. i asked her to. i need time to be alone. i searched for place to cry.
its almost Maghrib. usually benches are empty on this time. but that day, it were fulled with people. so i went back to dorm. i still want a place to cry! and this is so not the place. malu lah org nmpak. hence, i went to musolla (surau) eventhough it is farrr away from my dorm.
i entered the musolla. i walked to the front side. i sat down. i, you know what happened next. yes, crying
suddenly, i heard a voice coming from my back
i turned around, i saw Ain. a girl which i barely know, i always saw her at the musolla when i went there studying and yea i did talked to her before and thats it.
'awak ok?' she came closer
'awk, kenapa ni..'
'tak, tadi ..........' the story begins
at first she did not really understand my story so she said 'nevermind, bring liquid next week then padam lah jwpn tu'
'tak boleh, sebab Madam akan tanda yg kita dah jwb dgn pen. so kt boleh jwb yg kosong je. and kt dh jwb almost semua dgn pen. and byk hentam'
'ohh. hmm awk mcm ni. awk call je madam. awk cerita je masalah awk kat madam. lps tu awk merayu2 je lah kat madam minta tlg pape. awk buat dulu. awk jgn putus asa. try dulu'
she urged me to tell Madam though i still feel its useless. bcs my lecturer is quite strict and what i ever think of her answer was 'oh tak boleh nak buat apa lah Farah.. dh jadi camtu kan'
but i just nodded my head to her
adhan Maghrib echo
she then perform her prayer. i took the abulation and i waited for her to finish. she came to me afterwards
'awk, nak pinjam telekung boleh?'
'sure' 'oh awk, lagi satu, Allah, takkan bagi ujian kat hamba Dia..'
'di luar kemampuannya' i said to my heart what i thought that she was going to say. i am very familiar with the word already
but i was wrong.
'Allah, takkan bagi ujian kat hamba Dia, tanpa sebab' 'semua ni mesti ada sebab. dan sebab tu mesti ada kebaikan dia tau'
i just smile as a symbol of appreciation as thats the only thing that im capable to do now. m heart still, idk, i just dont know how bad i felt that time. its all mixed up. im so weak, ujian mcm ni pon tak boleh nak bear ke Farah. be strong be strong.
i then, started my prayer. suddenly, someone laid her prayer mat besides mine. and i was about to ruku' and she followed me. means she wanted to do congregational prayer with me! in this condition? seriously? i just, ok, redho Farah. Allah bantu, teruskan. so with 'that' condition, i become the imam. Alhamdulillah, i finished the prayer, do short 'taaruf' with her. when she left, i said my prayer to Allah. to my only Lord. i know He was listening.
i stood up, opened the telekung, walked to Ain.
'nah,saya nak awk dgr lagu ni' she gave me the earphone.
pls, listen to this song dear readers :)
this is when everything changed. i cried again. more tears rolled down, but this time, i was smiling :)
...to be continue